No, Bob, the Vaccine Isn’t Just Like The Gospel

by Ben Mullen

I’ll confess my biases up front; I haven’t been a fan of Sideshow Bob for a long time. Oh, I’m sorry, you might know him as Robert Jeffress, Pastor of First Baptist Dallas, but to me, he’s always been “Sideshow Bob”.

Bob and I first started having problems around Christmas of 2010, when he came out with that ridiculous “Grinch List”. As chestnuts roasted on open fires and Jack Frost nipped at noses, Bob whined that not since the days of Nero have Christians suffered such awful persecutions, what with corporate America instructing their techs and reps to use the handle “Happy Holidays!” with the public instead of “Merry Christmas!”

Well, Bob didn’t go to the lion’s den lying down, no sirree. He stomped his little foot, balled up his little fists and promptly slapped Nordstroms and Barnes & Noble on the “Grinch List” (some cheesy website Bob started – it’s actually called “GrinchAlert” – to “out” businesses that don’t have a Christmas tree in the lobby), and that really taught them a thing or two. At least until the following December, when he caught Bank of America gleefully trumpeting, “Happy Kwanzaa!”, upon the midnight clear.

Rumor has it that Bob – he of weak knee and quivered liver – dissolved in a puddle of tears when a cashier at Wal Mart did not chortle, “Joy to the World”, upon the approach of his basket full of hummus and scented candles.

Seriously, Bob? You expect the unconverted checker at Target to hail the birth of the Christ child with trembling lip and tear-stained cheek?

You expect the roller skates at Sonic to come bearing the name of Jesus on corn dog and chili? Aren’t we as believers commanded to go out and preach the gospel to the lost, and not the other way around? C’mon, man!

Anyway, so much for misguided evangelism and confused anthropology. Next up, there was the Quarterback Camp at First Dallas in 2013. Always on the lookout for new ways to embarrass Jesus, Sideshow decided it would be a good idea to regurgitate … er, inaugurate their new multi-million dollar downtown campus by having four NFL quarterbacks preach the first four Sundays of the new opening.

By-the-way, Bob publicly justified the one-hundred and thirty-million dollar monstrosity by stating their downtown church had to compete with suburban megachurches for donors … uh, I mean members. Sideshow did not respond to questions as to whether Sam Bradford or Colt McCoy met the qualifications of an elder, or if they were currently under the care and shepherding of a local body of believers; apparently, all’s fair in faith and practice when you’re trying to stick it to the burbs.

Poor ol’ Jesus. People won’t go to church unless Tim Tebow’s on the marquee.

People won’t get saved unless we do “Super Bowl Sunday” on the big screen. As we say down south, “we gotta ‘hep’ him out”.

Ah, but I don’t need to remind you, gentle reader, of the latest apostasies and abominations of the Seeker Sensitive mafia, and time would fail me if I spoke of boot lickings and brown nosings in the Oval Office. Hey, I’m a Trump voter, and even I was disgusted by Bob’s 24/7 mooning and crooning over the President. Don’t you have a church to pastor back in Dallas, Bob?

Ironically, all hope for Bob and me to patch things up died with a vaccine. Strange, isn’t it? What’s sold as a curative drove the final nail in the coffin for me and Bob.

Bob suggested on cable news that the vaccine is just like the gospel; here’s the exact quote from his interview on Fox Business News; “… if we’re talking about something from babies that were already aborted, I would just remind people that the whole Christian message is that Christ, who was innocent, died for us and brought something good out of that unjust death, and I think that if lives can be saved even from the unjust killing of a baby, there’s something to be gained there”.

Well glory be, how ‘bout that Jesus, huh?! There he was, just mindin’ his own business, when he happened to stumble upon an unjust death – which happened to involve him – and he turned the whole thing around and made something good out of it! Took the lemons life handed him and squeezed them into lemonade (Joel Osteen ought to work that crackerjack Jesus into the lineup for that motivational seminar he runs down in Houston … come to think of it, he should probably try to work Jesus into one of his pep talks sometime)!

Has Bob never read the Bible? Does he really not understand although Jesus was entirely and unfailingly innocent in His own person, our sin and guilt were wrapped so tightly around his neck at the cross – like the filthy coat of a gutter-stained wino – that the apostle Paul could write in II Corinthians 5:21, “He made Him who knew no sin, to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him”?

That Peter could write in I Peter 2:24, “And He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness, for by His wounds we are healed”? That Paul could say again in Galatians 3:13, “Christ redeemed us for the curse of the Law, having become a curse for us; for it is written, cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”.

Jesus was innocent, but His death was far from unjust. He bore the sin of many on His shoulders, as the prophet says, and the eyes of the Lord are too pure to look upon evil, as Habakkuk writes.

The scapegoat must be banished to a solitary land, those cursed of the law must hang on a tree, and the soul that sins must die. Innocence hung on the cross, but justice fell on the black stain that lay on His shoulders.

No, Bob, the vaccine ISN’T just like the Gospel, and how dare you suggest such an irreverent thing!

The gospel cuts to the heart of man, the vaccine fiddles with bumps and bruises.

The gospel cleanses the soul, the vaccine sponges the skin.

The vaccine is NOT like the gospel.

The gospel shines light from heaven, the vaccine gropes in the dark.

The gospel is eternal, an “imperishable seed” – the vaccine is temporal, a fading flower.

The vaccine is NOT like the Gospel.

The gospel washes away eternal guilt, the vaccine cools a passing fever.

The gospel is “holy, innocent, undefiled”, the vaccine is defiled and stained with the blood of an innocent.

The vaccine is NOT like the gospel.

The Gospel saves the souls of many, the vaccine preserves the skin of a few.

The gospel cost the blood of the eternal Son, the vaccine cost some investor capital and lab fees.

The vaccine is NOT like the gospel.

The Gospel stands on the day of judgment, the vaccine vanishes in the dust.

The gospel bears the weight of eternal glory, the vaccine passes like the night.

The vaccine is NOT like the gospel.

I know this must be crushing for you, Bob, to learn the vaccine is little more than dust in the wind. But take heart; I’m sure there’s some “VIP Lounge” or “Executive Suite” in that high dollar “complex” of yours where you can curl up with some of your favorite elves or watch old footage of Tim Tebow lighting up Ole Miss.